why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize