i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize