Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
