The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
