I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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