she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
