There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
