You're a womanizer and a bitch.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I enjoy the company of your penis
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
