if only i could text you this smell
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
