Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
