Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
