When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
