Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
