There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
