Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
