so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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