drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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