I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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