Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Randomize