put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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