I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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