I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Acid is not a monday night drug
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
