My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
