it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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