So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
