Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
