11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
