like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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