sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
