genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
