Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
