I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
