You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
