I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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