Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
