Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
