You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He did a backflip because drugs
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