It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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