I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
