I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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