My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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