making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
