I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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