So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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