i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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