I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Then you guys just all showered together...?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
