You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
