i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
