I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
