so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
