if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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