I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
