Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
