Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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