I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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