its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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