U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
