I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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