Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
