You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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