oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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