I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
