In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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